A Tree Of Souls

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Touch

I have forgotten how insecure I am. How much I judge myself everyday convinced that I need to lose weight, or put some make up on, or do my hair, and what clothes to wear that wouldn’t show too much of my waist. The day that he first laid eyes on me I felt like I could own the world with him. I felt that deep down I would no longer have to worry about these pointless things and all he had to do was touch me. The feel of his touch is much better than the satisfaction of an orgasm any day. Sometimes I would question myself why this was and I would only end up with the term; love. I don’t find it easy to let everything go and give in to someone completely but every time he’s around I can feel his presence near by and all I start to think about is his touch. The feel of his skin against mine it’s like nothing else before and all I want to do is just hold him close to me and never let him go. Knowing that, it scared me even to go near him because I knew once I got involved there was no going back. Well, I still haven’t gone back and now he lays besides me with a band to bind us together for eternity and I wouldn’t of asked for anything more than to have his touch on my skin every night.

I’m here alone in this house of mine and I’m trying to figure out why I feel that the whole world is circling around me. I’m trying to understand the world and it’s meaning. Why do I have to be on my own to understand this? Why is it that I have to leave the place that I have only felt so safe in and be forced to understand that that is how it should be. I never thought of this happening to me being out here on my own and not understanding anything and forced to accept it the way it is. Maybe I just want to do things for myself and see myself in a different place than where I’m at today. Maybe I would like to take my life in my own hands for once and do the things I have dreamed to do since I was a child. My whole life I have only wanted to do the things that other people have wanted me to do instead of just taking my own path and finding who I am and what my purpose is in this world. I want to be a writer and a very good one too. I would to prove to people that I an do something for myself and be independent of myself and not have to lean on anyone just to get that pleasure. I want to be that person where people would point out and say “Wow, maybe she could do it after all.” I don’t want to just be some military man’s wife with kids and a complicated life. I want to be me and my own self. Not just someone’s being, and it is time that I do that and maybe I can finally know who I am and that just that one person people see.

10/27/14

Its been a long time since I’ve gotten the nerve to look into the past and envisage the lives of the the influences in my life growing up as a child. The one’s that hurt me, inspired me, befriended me, and loved me. I can only conceive how their reactions could be now if they saw me. If they would ignore me and go on with their lives or rather just look at me and wonder how I was doing and what I have gotten myself into these long, remote days of my life. I don’t usually fancy these things but every so once in a while I ask myself what would they think of me now as a new woman in life. New priorities and new expectations. Sometimes I would wonder what their thoughts would be if they saw me again. What would they think of me as now? How would they act with the change of input of the world now that I’m experiencing it now on my own? Questions and thoughts run through my head when I think about my past influences. I just wonder if they think of the same thing as I do. I will never know, but at least I’m moving along on this long road ahead of me and just everything step by step and living life as it should be.